My Belief Shapes My Destiny

When I look back at all the time I spent learning and working in my coaching practice, I think the end of the second month was a turning point for me. Until that point, I was developing certainty about my outcomes and generally refreshing my memory about some tools I could use achieve those outcomes from a positive emotional state. I was using these tools to tackle immediate pain points and to guide myself toward a happier, more exciting future. If I had to categorize the kind of work I was doing, I would say it was all focused on future outcomes.

Then I learned to look for the beliefs that contributed to the situation I was experiencing in the present. That practice gave me a powerful new set of tools I could use to make changes at a higher level. I could have more control over my life by making shifts in the way I approached my problems. In fact, I might have gained the tools to eliminate my problems.

What are beliefs?

A belief is a thought we have held onto for enough time, or with enough intensity, that it has taken on the appearance of a fact to our subconscious mind. Maybe we believe people are generally good. We can believe in the kindness of strangers, or that we should never talk to strangers. People can be cat people or dog people. By the time we are adults, we have beliefs about almost every facet of life. Some of them are useful. Some of them are not. All of them affect our behavior.

Suppose you had a belief instilled in you by well meaning people that you needed to eat all the food on your plate at each meal. Maybe you have this belief now. I know I grew up with this belief. How might it affect your behavior? Could it limit the amount of food you put on your plate if you knew you "had" to eat it all? Would you restrict yourself to a very small amount of unfamiliar foods so none of them were "wasted" if you did not like them? The idea that uneaten food is wasted is another belief.

Neither of these beliefs are good or bad. In certain situations, it might benefit us to limit how much we eat. In other situations, we may find that we make ourselves eat more food than we want or need simply because it was on our plate.

The power of a belief is that it resides in our subconscious mind. It happens without our having to think about it. It is automatic. If we have a lot of empowering beliefs, that means life can seem to unfold easily before us, leading to a string of thrilling opportunities and pleasant surprises. On the other hand, if we have a lot of limiting beliefs, life can seem to make us victims of unpleasant and apparently random circumstances. And if we have conflicting beliefs, our lives can take on a frustrating pattern of success and failure.

The trick is to detect when our beliefs support us and when they hold us back. Then we can use our other tools to strengthen or change our beliefs. The result is a huge shift in the way we see the world.

What does that look like in practice? Let me give you an example from my own life. As someone who worked very closely with customers at the university, I was often the recipient of sincere gratitude and praise from the people I supported. I enjoyed helping people solve their problems. I enjoyed it more when I could teach them how to solve their own problems. But I was very uncomfortable accepting the sincerely offered thanks from these same people. I had a belief that fired off every time someone thanked me.

The first step in improving the situation was to identify the belief. While it was not a comfortable process for me, it was a simple one. All I had to do was ask the question, What would I have to believe about myself or the situation in order to feel this way?

My answers were roughly as follows:

• People are just saying those things to be polite.
• Solving that problem was easy for me. I don't deserve to be thanked for doing something easy.
• Because that problem was solved quickly, I did not provide much value. I don't deserve praise for my work.

There may have been a few more beliefs. You get the idea, though.

Once I knew what I could believe, the next step was to determine which of those things I actually did believe. Again, this was done by asking a question: Do I really believe this is true? I did not believe the first statement. I generally believed the other two.

You may have noticed both of the beliefs I accepted were about deserving praise, or being worthy of being thanked for my work. Based on that, I asked a question focused on who I would need to be in order to be worthy of praise and positive feedback. My answers follow.

• I would need to continue to really care about the people I was helping.
• I would need to be able to remain humble.
• I would need to be gracious.
• I would need to be thankful for being able to help others.

Finally, I created some new beliefs that would support a person with those qualities.

• I have a unique set of skills and knowledge. I have been given opportunities to help people. They are genuinely grateful for my help — just as I am grateful when people help me. I can receive the praise because it is genuine and heartfelt, and earned, even if it did not involve a lot of work on my part.
• I can receive praise and positive feedback without losing myself to pride. I have a strong network of friends who will hold up a mirror if I get out of control. I do not need to feel guilty about being able to help people.
• It is possible that by doing a good job, even at something I do not value, I will inspire someone else.

I felt good about my new beliefs. I started a daily practice of reading them out loud to start my work day. Hearing them put a smile on my face. Slowly it became easier to accept that I was making a difference. Being thanked became less awkward and uncomfortable. Because I felt better in these kinds of situations, my interactions with clients became more easy and relaxed. Life at work was getting better.